My week started at the doctor’s rooms, I am clumsy like that. She could see how apprehensive I was during the stitching of my lower arm and she knew the best way to distract me.
Dr: “How are the boys?”
Me: “They are good Thank You. The eldest went back to school today and the youngest only starts tomorrow”.
Dr: “Oh, aren’t they at the same school?”
Me: “No, big brother had to move to High School last year. It would’ve been convenient to uproot Noah considering Nathan’s school offers Primary education. We felt it would be unfair to disrupt his life for logistics. Moreover, we knew Noah wouldn’t be happy to move, soccer was not yet offered as an extra-mural at the big brother’s school. He had made his preference known on one of our previous conversations regarding his High School choices. We have ‘sit downs’ with our boys and we always discuss the pros and cons before decisions are made. Yes we pay the tuition but they are the ones who have to attend classes daily. We allow them to voice their opinions but at the end of the day we have to do what we think is best for them. We involve them in decision making because we don’t want to come across as dictators, we don’t want them to become dictators”.
Dr: “Wow, that’s my kind of parenting. I get concerned when parents ignore, disregard or dismiss what their kids have to say. So much could be avoided and prevented if we took the time to listen to our kids. To allow them to just be and not to force anything on them. For example, I feel uncomfortable whenever parents tell their kids to say ‘Thank You Dr’ and especially when they force them to hug me as a way of showing gratitude. We should respect a child’s space, boundaries and feelings.”
Me: “Sad indeed, then we wonder how dictators are made”.
My Humble Opinion: No two kids can be the same, we know that our boys have different personalities. Nathan preferred a particular high school because it was fairly small compared to the others. He is the quiet type and has very few close friends. Noah on the other hand will fit in perfectly in a big school, he is a socialite and you can’t keep up with his list of friends. The assumption is that parents have the experience, knowledge and the wisdom to make decisions but it is important to acknowledge and consider our kids needs, preferences and opinions. Social media is bombarded with conversations around consent. We teach our kids not to speak to strangers and for them to say NO! and to report when someone touches them inappropriately. “Tell us whenever someone makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t be shy or feel ashamed to tell us if someone says something untoward. Just know that you can speak to mommy and daddy about anything and everything. We will always make time whenever you need a sit down, we are ready to listen whenever you need to talk about anything that bothers or concerns you.” A child will open up to you if you create that safe space for them to self-express. “I am the parent and you are just a child therefore, DO AS I SAY, my decision is final!” ……dictatorship much………………
“I grew up under a dictatorship. I knew what it meant for people to not have the ability to freely express themselves”.
Ilhan Omar
Opinion Booth 
Very interesting and is an eye opener to show that we cannot force our children to turn out how we want them to be or do what we like.How do you draw the line or rather I ask what criteria do you use to distinguish between parenting and dictatorship?
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Hi Melusi. Allowing them to self-express without judgement, understanding that their opinion matters and a simple question: “how would you feel if we enrolled you at this school or for this extra-mural?” A simple example: “forcing a particular dress on Sihle Atlegang at a store, buying it, only for it to end up sitting in the wardrobe. You spend the entire morning trying to convince or force her to wear it for school. The end result, unhappy child and frustrated father. Or, a more serious scenario, forcing your child to study towards a particular degree, when they are the ones who attend lectures daily. With the risk of dropping out, or graduating, only to resent you as a parent. “I only did this law degree to get my parents off my back'” ……..Positive Parenting: “Let’s go through the pros and cons, I am here to guide you and I want what’s best for you, I want you to be happy and successful”. Dictatorship: “You will get that Medical Degree because all our family members have one”. Disregarding the fact that you are passionate about the arts instead. Dictators don’t actually know what their kids like/dislike, matter fact, they don’t care.
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Interesting topic . We were raised in dictatorships and although I don’t parent that way , I can’t say I didn’t benefit from the strong lines of you will study , not take a gap year and you will save so much of your salary . Huge benefits later in life that I didn’t particularly appreciate at the time . With my own kids , I’m a lot more open to their suggestions as I’m constantly reminded that” things are not the same as in our day “ . But I’m also responsible for them so I try and be real and say ok , so u want to do ………ok let’s look in the paper and find u that job that can pay for the lifestyle you hope to live . And by doing this they quickly start reasoning on things and it’s not mom and dad saying “ you must “ . Happy parenting guys . We all just doing our best and praying for the best
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Very informative article, comments & replies. Thank You for sharing.
My 95 year old Granny’s said only 1 thing when my kids were born:
“Listen to your children.”
As a mom who grew up in a conservative Afrikaans home, where ‘children should be seen & not heard’ I often find it hard to heed my Granny’s pearls of wisdom, but I’m getting better (my daughter tells me). And I’m always amazed by how much I learn, when I listen.
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