Category: Parental

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What’s Your Emotional Outlet?

I saw my little sister’s Tweet this morning. It expressed how she was brought to tears by something that she had experienced and how she had reached out to our mother for solace. I can only assume Twitter was her other outlet, a cry for help. A few hours later we had a telephonic conversation and it ended with good laughs, I made sure not to end our convo without the reassurance she would be okay.

I started to wonder: Do men call their mothers or fathers and cry whenever they feel overwhelmed? I feel for my mother because I’ve lost count of the number of times I phoned her to cry non-stop, to a point my entire body started shaking. I would regret it afterwards, feeling guilty for burdening her.

You often hear: “A man should keep his shit together”. What happens when shit hits the fan? What happens when he gets overwhelmed? These questions need to be asked, now more than ever. Covid-19 has led to so much uncertainty and we’ve seen and experienced the impact of losing loved ones, friends and colleagues. Moreover, the job losses and reduced salaries. Now imagine men, who are under pressure to provide for their families. How do they handle those days when they don’t feel like adulting. Who do they reach out to when they feel inadequate and incapable? Are they comfortable and entrusting enough to pick up the call and say: “Dad, I don’t know what to do, this is too much”. Are they able to pick up the phone and just cry before explaining or even without explaining the reason for their sadness or agony? Can they do so without hesitation and apprehension?

Now I ask, have you ever heard your brother or male partner phone his father to off-load and maybe even cry? If so, how did you react to it? Has your brother or male partner ever come up to you to off-load and cry? If so, how did you react to that? What did you say?… What was your reaction when your son fell off his bike and hurt himself? Remember this, words ingrained will forever be deeply imbedded…

Would we experience escalating abuse cases if men were encouraged to talk and to freely express how they felt? I’m obviously referring to emotional expression, not the physical kind, this has to be reserved for the punching bag at the boxing club or gym. Would we experience such disturbing and alarming statistics of GBV if men were afforded the various outlets that provide the much-needed support? Imagine a man who quickly grabs his phone and reaches out to his father instead of grabbing a gun.

My Humble Opinion: phrases such as “Boys don’t cry”, “You cry like a girl”, and “Don’t be a sissy” are the reason we have angry and detached men. Imagine a world that operated on a two-way street, whereby boys and men are encouraged to reach out, off-load and just be. Encouraged to do so without fear of judgement or fear of being ridiculed.

“Real men don’t cry, that’s how sadists are born” –  Ila Dhond

Marriage Is Not An Achievement

“All of my children are married, now I can rest…My son, you are married now, you are a man amongst men…My daughter is married now, the community will no longer call her derogatory names”. We’ve all heard such speeches at weddings. A sad reality of societal pressures and unrealistic expectations from parents and guardians. I use the word pressures and unrealistic because fact is, not everyone views or considers marriage as a yardstick for success. Some, if not most people don’t deem matrimony as the be all and end all. Not everyone is interested in marriage and there is nothing strange, bizarre, peculiar or abnormal about that. The same applies to those who decide not to have children, this topic deserves its own blog. The pressures I speak of result in forced or rushed marriages, this leads to resentment and abuse because stress and frustration can push one to the edge. The high divorce rate is testament to this, the shocking and alarming gender-based statistics are testament to this.

Some parents even overlook your achievements. You can be a focused, driven and hard-working individual but until you get married and have children you aren’t complete. Notice I said children and not child, because apparently allegedly having more than one child proves you and your man (in particular) are fertile and it proves he is financially stable (patriarchal world). The more kids you have the more money you have, supposedly. This is obviously a license to procreate because money is the only thing a child needs (if sarcasm had an emoticon).

You fall pregnant as an unmarried woman and your child is considered illegitimate, you have failed and disappointed your parents, you have brought shame onto your family. This has to change. The most important thing should be your level of readiness as parents: emotionally/psychologically, physically and financially. Rings/tattoos and a marriage certificate are no guarantee of a well-rounded upbringing. All a child needs is food, clothing, unconditional love, protection/security, stability and a roof over their head.

You impregnate a woman and you are told to make a decent woman of her, thus insinuating that she will be deemed indecent and unworthy until marriage. This also overlooks and disregards the millions of loving and stable relationships that thrive in the absence of holy matrimony. I bet we know of lifelong couples, partners and soulmates who co-habit in bliss and harmony till death do them apart. The kind of relationships that are considered #CoupleGoals

My Humble Opinion: achievement is defined as: something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort and great courage. Therefore, it is safe to say that completing your studies is an achievement, securing that dream job is an achievement, starting a business is an achievement, purchasing a house is an achievement, performing a successful and life-saving surgery/operation is an achievement, convicting a paedophile is an achievement and succeeding in life, against all odds is an achievement.

Marriage should not and cannot be a yardstick for success. I really hope the narrative changes to: “My son/daughter is now a graduate, he/she will find a job, earn a decent salary and be independent…my heart is full of joy. My son/daughter is living an impactful and purposeful life… he/she is happy, healthy and successful, I am so proud and content”.

Mind Your Language

I was at the salon the other day when a lady walked in with her sons. She greeted and started to converse with the hair stylist in Sesotho. O ne a bua sesotho sa haesale (proper and undiluted). I couldn’t help but follow the conversation because o ne a bua ha monate. I continued on my phone the minute she switched to English to address her sons. Of course one cannot assume they don’t speak Sesotho, I can only hope they do.

I regret not sticking to my plans of speaking Setswana to Nathan from day one, but I rectified that more than a year ago when he and I agreed NO MORE ENGLISH. I regret not conversing with Noah in Isizulu from birth, hence my decision to switch at the beginning of the year. Nathan can hold his own in Setswana and o ka se mo sebe. It doesn’t even bother me that Setswana sa gage is mixed le tsotsi taal, courtesy of his football teammates. 😅

I had to work on Noah’s confidence in speaking iSizulu, he was concerned about people laughing at him. My efforts were rewarded when he told me he would switch Afrikaans for iSizulu in high school. Moreover, I made him realize the benefits: “Don’t worry about anyone listening to us, just focus on the main goal…the mission to make you fluent before high school”.

Nathan and I listen to his playlist on our way to school, apparently this is another way to ‘get to know your child’. Parents and guardians know that teens hardly talk. He is an old soul, I reminisce when I hear some of the songs. Especially old school Kwaito, he even dresses like Trompies. This is a perfect opportunity to listen to the lyrics, he is not yet fluent in Setswana and many songs in his playlist are in vernac. There has been a few occasions where I say to him: “please delete that track, it is inappropriate”. Now imagine one day he decided to meet his friends at the park and he was playing a song about ‘dibono le matswele’ on a Boombox. Passers-by labelling him a rebellious and disrespectful child with no filter.

So now I ask, what is the reason you speak English to your kids? Are we lazy? Knowing very well that teaching requires patience, repetition and consistency…I am just as guilty. For me, it was ‘convenient’ because of their father. To ‘accommodate’ him so he didn’t feel left out. In hindsight, had I stuck to Setswana and iSizulu from the time our sons were born there’s a higher chance Matthew would be fluent in both languages by now. It is not too late, although I’ve lost hope, he is a slow learner 😂

My Humble Opinion: I don’t need to mention the benefits and advantages of teaching our kids and thus preserving our mother tongues. Think about the number of languages that are at a greater risk of becoming extinct, a befitting example for South Africa would be the Khoisan languages: Nama, Kxoe and Kung-Ekoka . Khelobedu also come to mind. There are so many beautiful languages that will unfortunately be replaced by diluted versions of the English language. I say this because new words are added onto the Oxford dictionary ever so frequently. English is a universal language, however, I have a responsibility as a parent to teach our sons my so-called home languages. I am on a quest to learn more languages, I am fluent in 6 South African languages and I am currently learning Shangaan.

“The world is a mosaic of visions. With each language that disappears, a piece of that mosaic is lost” – Francois Grosjean

Suffer The Children

President Cyril Ramaphosa announced last night that government schools will be closed for a month, with the exception of matriculants who will resume classes in a weeks’ time. There was pressure all around for schools to be closed and now people are asking why private schools remain open. “Our kids are going to be disadvantaged”… “It must be nice to be rich”… “rich kids will progress to the next grades and their matriculants will get a spot at tertiary institutions”. These are valid concerns, although misdirected. A society that understands accountability would tag the so-called leaders on their social media posts. What’s the point of raising pertinent issues and questions on your Tweet if you don’t tag the president, education minister, Student Governing Bodies and the relevant unions? Consider asking if they send their kids to government schools while you at it.

Fact is, not all kids in private schools come from rich families. We all have different priorities and many parents make sacrifices. You hear of stories of domestic workers prioritizing their kid’s education, spending a bulk of their salary on tuition. A clear indication of someone who values good quality education. Some parents know the benefits are immense and endless. From being placed at the top of the list for internships and job interviews. To friendships, forged relationships, networks and access to wealthy and well-connected influential families. Such parents know that education is an investment.

Children in private schools are already catching up on lost time and the teachers are on a mission to complete the year’s syllabus, THIS YEAR. They have amended the academic calendar, holidays shortened. They are busy with assessments and they have already issued academic calendars for next year. The tuition fees are steep but you can see where your money is going and how it is spent, can’t say the same about my taxes. Which is why I am puzzled by the anger and frustrations directed at private schools. Crucified for offering services paid for? The lunacy and absurdity of it. How about asking the government to root out corruption and ensure the education budget is spent appropriately and accordingly? Private schools exist in massive numbers today because there was a gap for good quality education. You just have to look at the performances of educational service providers on the JSE. If I had a million to spare I would buy shares into one of those companies, a no-brainer as an investment.

My Humble Opinion: No child chooses to be born into a poor family, however, the sad reality is, inequality will remain and exist for as long as we have greedy politicians who continue to loot state funds. Ironic when you consider that the parents get taxed, only for the money to be looted. Money that should go towards services, infrastructure and resources. Corruption is the reason we still have pit latrines in some schools. Corruption is the reason we still have mud schools. Corruption is the reason textbooks are not delivered. Corruption is the reason we have 60 kids in a classroom built for a capacity of 20. Corruption is the reason most schools don’t have labs and libraries. Corruption is the reason kids don’t have the resources for online learning. South Africa’s education budget allocation is the highest in the continent, pointless because there is not much to show for it. Millions of kids are going to lag behind not because they are poor, but because you have greedy pigs and sloths who will never reach a point of satiety. Unless you decide on a tax revolt. Otherwise they will continue to line their pockets for as long as the kitty stays unlocked. And even if it gets locked, they will find a way to pick the lock because thieves are cunning. Hold your government accountable. Be informed, enlightened and involved so you can ask the right questions, to the right people.

“Corruption in education steals the future from the next generation”

Transparency International

Featured

This Mask Is Ruining My Drip

I have set up news alerts and any topics of interests pop up on my phone screen every so often. This can be overwhelming, especially now with the bombardment of Covid-19 information and statistics. Social media is not helping, the timelines are filled with gloom. I’ve seen so many posts of people I know, some share their positive results and their journey of healing and others pay tribute to loved ones, courtesy of Corona.

The Roodepoort Record article which popped up today confirmed my suspicions. My ward has around 513 confirmed cases (as of 7 July). I am very observant when I am out on my jogs and I can confirm that it is mostly the youngsters who don’t wear masks. Yes you do get a few so-called adults who think they are the law unto themselves. Those who think the world revolves around them. Those who go around saying: “do you know who I am? Do you know who my father is?”. The special ones….

I am curious about the age breakdown of these cases, especially after receiving news from our eldest son’s school that there were 2 more cases. That of sisters, one of them in the same grade as our son…not the same class, somewhat of a relief. This is the 2nd case in the same grade and we hope there won’t be more.

Now I ask, is the ‘Woke Generation’ too cool for masks? Do masks cramp their style? Or in their lingo, is the mask ruining their drip? Or is it simply because your breath is so vile that you know wearing a mask would lead to your unconsciousness? WHAT UP?

The sad thing about this is that you could take all precautions when up and about, only to end up being infected by your ‘woke’ child because peer pressure dictates what is cool and what is not. A perfect example would be when driving, you could be the law-abiding citizen, only to have a distracted and/or inconsiderate driver bumping into you or contributing to your accident. This is the same person who tests positive and deliberately walks around without a mask, with the hopes of infecting as many people as possible because “someone infected me so I may as well spread the love” or “why must I die alone?”

So, unless you plan on sending your parents (with core morbidities) and grandparents (with weakened immune systems) to their early graves PUT ON THAT MASK. If not, we will make assumptions and draw the conclusion you were on a quest to cash in on the insurance payouts and claim the inheritance. You are infamous for being the generation with a high sense of entitlement after all.

My Humble Opinion: We need to get used to this new way of living. Truth is, life as we knew it got us to this point. Mother Nature has decided to teach us valuable lessons, Mother Nature is teaching us who is really in charge. We cannot possibly go back to normal. It is unfathomable that is took a virus to teach us basic hygiene, sanitation and how to set and respect boundaries. Social distancing has helped many of us. I cannot count the number of times I’ve stood in a queue, the person behind breathing on top of me. Moreover, I don’t like random hugs and I always ask others if it is ok to hug them. This should apply especially where kids are involved, yes, they also have the right to say no. The new norm would be me not sending my child to school if they show signs of a cold and/or flu and if they have to go to school (for whatever reason) then insist that my child wears a mask to avoid the spread. This will also teach my child to be considerate towards their peers and others around them. The new norm would be employers insisting on you working from home if you have contracted something infectious. The new norm would be for them to be understanding and not dock your pay if you take up sick leave. That way we won’t have sickly people going to work even after testing positive, just so they can get full pay.

“Class is considerate of others. It knows that good manners is nothing more than a series of petty sacrifices”– Ann Landers

The New Norm

I must confess that I was overwhelmed by the almost daily WhatsApp messages from Noah’s register teacher. These started streaming in way before the Easter school holidays, just before the lockdown was announced. From pictures with information and motivational messages to forward to Noah, to videos from the principal and links to fun and educational activities. It got to a point where I avoided WhatsApp for hours, well at least until I had sat down to enjoy my first morning cuppa, my ritual early in the morning while everyone else is still fast asleep…. absolute bliss. A time when the house is so quiet you can hear your heartbeat, and the birds.

On normal school days I wake up at 06:15 so I was very happy to get the extra 45 minutes of sleep. My alarm was set for 7am as Noah’s online class was due to begin at 8am. The MS Teams App had been downloaded for weeks and he had his profile set up too. Matthew tested the headphones and built in microphone. The only thing we hadn’t tested was the laptop camera, we had no reason to believe it could malfunction. Moreover, he had to have his teacher or fellow classmates on the other side to test it. That’s our story and we are sticking to it….

Noah was starting to stress, this was a few minutes before his first ever online class. Mommy, daddy and eventually big brother were surrounding him trying to troubleshoot this camera issue. Fortunately his teacher was patient and understanding and luckily for us we had Plan B. A couple of hours later Noah plonked his body on his bed, he was overwhelmed: “mommy, I don’t think I can manage all that work today”. I did my best to reassure him that we are here for assistance and support. I must be honest, I was also overwhelmed when I saw the main page with 7 subject folders. I looked at his MS Teams files and found he only had to do a total of 3 hours of work on his own today. It took a lot of convincing for him to understand that ‘Week 1’ work was to completed over a week and ‘Week 1 to 4’ could be completed over a month, with Week 3 & 4 being after the lockdown (fingers crossed).  He logged off just after 2pm and the heavy air around our home was lifted.

This e-learning topic brings me to a trending debate on social media, tuition fees, especially where private schools are concerned. It was highlighted and discussed on one of the news channels. It is simple, we stop paying and the teachers stop receiving their salaries. What happens then, they seek employment to offer private lessons to those who can afford? What happens after lockdown? Our kids go back to school without teachers? What about the hours spent on training sessions to enable them to facilitate online classes? These took place during the Easter school holiday break, a time that was meant for exactly that purpose….a break from our brats. What about the hours spent preparing for those online classes?

Our eldest started his Easter school holiday on the same week of the lockdown and he was meant to reopen on 6 April, so he will only miss out 3 weeks of normal school by the time it is lifted, hopefully. Noah was meant to break a couple of days after lockdown and he was meant to return to school today, meaning he will only miss out on 2 weeks and 2 days of schooling. Now I ask, is it fair to expect a tuition rebate or a discount?

My Humble Opinion: We are so privileged and we don’t take that for granted. Imagine the millions of kids without phones, tablets, laptops and PC’s. Imagine the millions without DATA, ADSL and Fibre. Imagine the millions of kids whose parents are clueless about logging into a computer, thus being unable to give assistance and support. Imagine the millions of families who cannot afford private lessons should it become necessary.

Teachers have families too, they have feelings too and they do get overwhelmed at times, just like we do. Imagine a teacher that has to attend to queries and questions from 24 kids (or more), online. Bear in mind the challenges that come with old laptops with malfunctioning cameras, pathetic internet speeds, disconnections and network interruptions. You could not pay me enough to become a teacher, and if anyone made an enticing offer too great, you could, with great confidence, bet all that money that I would be fired on the first day, before the first break.

“We are under lockdown and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Let us embrace this new norm, there are lessons to be learnt from this”– Sonia Booth