Category: Parenthood

Marriage Is Not An Achievement

“All of my children are married, now I can rest…My son, you are married now, you are a man amongst men…My daughter is married now, the community will no longer call her derogatory names”. We’ve all heard such speeches at weddings. A sad reality of societal pressures and unrealistic expectations from parents and guardians. I use the word pressures and unrealistic because fact is, not everyone views or considers marriage as a yardstick for success. Some, if not most people don’t deem matrimony as the be all and end all. Not everyone is interested in marriage and there is nothing strange, bizarre, peculiar or abnormal about that. The same applies to those who decide not to have children, this topic deserves its own blog. The pressures I speak of result in forced or rushed marriages, this leads to resentment and abuse because stress and frustration can push one to the edge. The high divorce rate is testament to this, the shocking and alarming gender-based statistics are testament to this.

Some parents even overlook your achievements. You can be a focused, driven and hard-working individual but until you get married and have children you aren’t complete. Notice I said children and not child, because apparently allegedly having more than one child proves you and your man (in particular) are fertile and it proves he is financially stable (patriarchal world). The more kids you have the more money you have, supposedly. This is obviously a license to procreate because money is the only thing a child needs (if sarcasm had an emoticon).

You fall pregnant as an unmarried woman and your child is considered illegitimate, you have failed and disappointed your parents, you have brought shame onto your family. This has to change. The most important thing should be your level of readiness as parents: emotionally/psychologically, physically and financially. Rings/tattoos and a marriage certificate are no guarantee of a well-rounded upbringing. All a child needs is food, clothing, unconditional love, protection/security, stability and a roof over their head.

You impregnate a woman and you are told to make a decent woman of her, thus insinuating that she will be deemed indecent and unworthy until marriage. This also overlooks and disregards the millions of loving and stable relationships that thrive in the absence of holy matrimony. I bet we know of lifelong couples, partners and soulmates who co-habit in bliss and harmony till death do them apart. The kind of relationships that are considered #CoupleGoals

My Humble Opinion: achievement is defined as: something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort and great courage. Therefore, it is safe to say that completing your studies is an achievement, securing that dream job is an achievement, starting a business is an achievement, purchasing a house is an achievement, performing a successful and life-saving surgery/operation is an achievement, convicting a paedophile is an achievement and succeeding in life, against all odds is an achievement.

Marriage should not and cannot be a yardstick for success. I really hope the narrative changes to: “My son/daughter is now a graduate, he/she will find a job, earn a decent salary and be independent…my heart is full of joy. My son/daughter is living an impactful and purposeful life… he/she is happy, healthy and successful, I am so proud and content”.

Mind Your Language

I was at the salon the other day when a lady walked in with her sons. She greeted and started to converse with the hair stylist in Sesotho. O ne a bua sesotho sa haesale (proper and undiluted). I couldn’t help but follow the conversation because o ne a bua ha monate. I continued on my phone the minute she switched to English to address her sons. Of course one cannot assume they don’t speak Sesotho, I can only hope they do.

I regret not sticking to my plans of speaking Setswana to Nathan from day one, but I rectified that more than a year ago when he and I agreed NO MORE ENGLISH. I regret not conversing with Noah in Isizulu from birth, hence my decision to switch at the beginning of the year. Nathan can hold his own in Setswana and o ka se mo sebe. It doesn’t even bother me that Setswana sa gage is mixed le tsotsi taal, courtesy of his football teammates. 😅

I had to work on Noah’s confidence in speaking iSizulu, he was concerned about people laughing at him. My efforts were rewarded when he told me he would switch Afrikaans for iSizulu in high school. Moreover, I made him realize the benefits: “Don’t worry about anyone listening to us, just focus on the main goal…the mission to make you fluent before high school”.

Nathan and I listen to his playlist on our way to school, apparently this is another way to ‘get to know your child’. Parents and guardians know that teens hardly talk. He is an old soul, I reminisce when I hear some of the songs. Especially old school Kwaito, he even dresses like Trompies. This is a perfect opportunity to listen to the lyrics, he is not yet fluent in Setswana and many songs in his playlist are in vernac. There has been a few occasions where I say to him: “please delete that track, it is inappropriate”. Now imagine one day he decided to meet his friends at the park and he was playing a song about ‘dibono le matswele’ on a Boombox. Passers-by labelling him a rebellious and disrespectful child with no filter.

So now I ask, what is the reason you speak English to your kids? Are we lazy? Knowing very well that teaching requires patience, repetition and consistency…I am just as guilty. For me, it was ‘convenient’ because of their father. To ‘accommodate’ him so he didn’t feel left out. In hindsight, had I stuck to Setswana and iSizulu from the time our sons were born there’s a higher chance Matthew would be fluent in both languages by now. It is not too late, although I’ve lost hope, he is a slow learner 😂

My Humble Opinion: I don’t need to mention the benefits and advantages of teaching our kids and thus preserving our mother tongues. Think about the number of languages that are at a greater risk of becoming extinct, a befitting example for South Africa would be the Khoisan languages: Nama, Kxoe and Kung-Ekoka . Khelobedu also come to mind. There are so many beautiful languages that will unfortunately be replaced by diluted versions of the English language. I say this because new words are added onto the Oxford dictionary ever so frequently. English is a universal language, however, I have a responsibility as a parent to teach our sons my so-called home languages. I am on a quest to learn more languages, I am fluent in 6 South African languages and I am currently learning Shangaan.

“The world is a mosaic of visions. With each language that disappears, a piece of that mosaic is lost” – Francois Grosjean

Suffer The Children

President Cyril Ramaphosa announced last night that government schools will be closed for a month, with the exception of matriculants who will resume classes in a weeks’ time. There was pressure all around for schools to be closed and now people are asking why private schools remain open. “Our kids are going to be disadvantaged”… “It must be nice to be rich”… “rich kids will progress to the next grades and their matriculants will get a spot at tertiary institutions”. These are valid concerns, although misdirected. A society that understands accountability would tag the so-called leaders on their social media posts. What’s the point of raising pertinent issues and questions on your Tweet if you don’t tag the president, education minister, Student Governing Bodies and the relevant unions? Consider asking if they send their kids to government schools while you at it.

Fact is, not all kids in private schools come from rich families. We all have different priorities and many parents make sacrifices. You hear of stories of domestic workers prioritizing their kid’s education, spending a bulk of their salary on tuition. A clear indication of someone who values good quality education. Some parents know the benefits are immense and endless. From being placed at the top of the list for internships and job interviews. To friendships, forged relationships, networks and access to wealthy and well-connected influential families. Such parents know that education is an investment.

Children in private schools are already catching up on lost time and the teachers are on a mission to complete the year’s syllabus, THIS YEAR. They have amended the academic calendar, holidays shortened. They are busy with assessments and they have already issued academic calendars for next year. The tuition fees are steep but you can see where your money is going and how it is spent, can’t say the same about my taxes. Which is why I am puzzled by the anger and frustrations directed at private schools. Crucified for offering services paid for? The lunacy and absurdity of it. How about asking the government to root out corruption and ensure the education budget is spent appropriately and accordingly? Private schools exist in massive numbers today because there was a gap for good quality education. You just have to look at the performances of educational service providers on the JSE. If I had a million to spare I would buy shares into one of those companies, a no-brainer as an investment.

My Humble Opinion: No child chooses to be born into a poor family, however, the sad reality is, inequality will remain and exist for as long as we have greedy politicians who continue to loot state funds. Ironic when you consider that the parents get taxed, only for the money to be looted. Money that should go towards services, infrastructure and resources. Corruption is the reason we still have pit latrines in some schools. Corruption is the reason we still have mud schools. Corruption is the reason textbooks are not delivered. Corruption is the reason we have 60 kids in a classroom built for a capacity of 20. Corruption is the reason most schools don’t have labs and libraries. Corruption is the reason kids don’t have the resources for online learning. South Africa’s education budget allocation is the highest in the continent, pointless because there is not much to show for it. Millions of kids are going to lag behind not because they are poor, but because you have greedy pigs and sloths who will never reach a point of satiety. Unless you decide on a tax revolt. Otherwise they will continue to line their pockets for as long as the kitty stays unlocked. And even if it gets locked, they will find a way to pick the lock because thieves are cunning. Hold your government accountable. Be informed, enlightened and involved so you can ask the right questions, to the right people.

“Corruption in education steals the future from the next generation”

Transparency International

The New Norm

I must confess that I was overwhelmed by the almost daily WhatsApp messages from Noah’s register teacher. These started streaming in way before the Easter school holidays, just before the lockdown was announced. From pictures with information and motivational messages to forward to Noah, to videos from the principal and links to fun and educational activities. It got to a point where I avoided WhatsApp for hours, well at least until I had sat down to enjoy my first morning cuppa, my ritual early in the morning while everyone else is still fast asleep…. absolute bliss. A time when the house is so quiet you can hear your heartbeat, and the birds.

On normal school days I wake up at 06:15 so I was very happy to get the extra 45 minutes of sleep. My alarm was set for 7am as Noah’s online class was due to begin at 8am. The MS Teams App had been downloaded for weeks and he had his profile set up too. Matthew tested the headphones and built in microphone. The only thing we hadn’t tested was the laptop camera, we had no reason to believe it could malfunction. Moreover, he had to have his teacher or fellow classmates on the other side to test it. That’s our story and we are sticking to it….

Noah was starting to stress, this was a few minutes before his first ever online class. Mommy, daddy and eventually big brother were surrounding him trying to troubleshoot this camera issue. Fortunately his teacher was patient and understanding and luckily for us we had Plan B. A couple of hours later Noah plonked his body on his bed, he was overwhelmed: “mommy, I don’t think I can manage all that work today”. I did my best to reassure him that we are here for assistance and support. I must be honest, I was also overwhelmed when I saw the main page with 7 subject folders. I looked at his MS Teams files and found he only had to do a total of 3 hours of work on his own today. It took a lot of convincing for him to understand that ‘Week 1’ work was to completed over a week and ‘Week 1 to 4’ could be completed over a month, with Week 3 & 4 being after the lockdown (fingers crossed).  He logged off just after 2pm and the heavy air around our home was lifted.

This e-learning topic brings me to a trending debate on social media, tuition fees, especially where private schools are concerned. It was highlighted and discussed on one of the news channels. It is simple, we stop paying and the teachers stop receiving their salaries. What happens then, they seek employment to offer private lessons to those who can afford? What happens after lockdown? Our kids go back to school without teachers? What about the hours spent on training sessions to enable them to facilitate online classes? These took place during the Easter school holiday break, a time that was meant for exactly that purpose….a break from our brats. What about the hours spent preparing for those online classes?

Our eldest started his Easter school holiday on the same week of the lockdown and he was meant to reopen on 6 April, so he will only miss out 3 weeks of normal school by the time it is lifted, hopefully. Noah was meant to break a couple of days after lockdown and he was meant to return to school today, meaning he will only miss out on 2 weeks and 2 days of schooling. Now I ask, is it fair to expect a tuition rebate or a discount?

My Humble Opinion: We are so privileged and we don’t take that for granted. Imagine the millions of kids without phones, tablets, laptops and PC’s. Imagine the millions without DATA, ADSL and Fibre. Imagine the millions of kids whose parents are clueless about logging into a computer, thus being unable to give assistance and support. Imagine the millions of families who cannot afford private lessons should it become necessary.

Teachers have families too, they have feelings too and they do get overwhelmed at times, just like we do. Imagine a teacher that has to attend to queries and questions from 24 kids (or more), online. Bear in mind the challenges that come with old laptops with malfunctioning cameras, pathetic internet speeds, disconnections and network interruptions. You could not pay me enough to become a teacher, and if anyone made an enticing offer too great, you could, with great confidence, bet all that money that I would be fired on the first day, before the first break.

“We are under lockdown and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Let us embrace this new norm, there are lessons to be learnt from this”– Sonia Booth

Raising Dictators

My week started at the doctor’s rooms, I am clumsy like that. She could see how apprehensive I was during the stitching of my lower arm and she knew the best way to distract me.

Dr: “How are the boys?”

Me: “They are good Thank You. The eldest went back to school today and the youngest only starts tomorrow”.

Dr: “Oh, aren’t they at the same school?”

Me: “No, big brother had to move to High School last year. It would’ve been convenient to uproot Noah considering Nathan’s school offers Primary education. We felt it would be unfair to disrupt his life for logistics. Moreover, we knew Noah wouldn’t be happy to move, soccer was not yet offered as an extra-mural at the big brother’s school. He had made his preference known on one of our previous conversations regarding his High School choices. We have ‘sit downs’ with our boys and we always discuss the pros and cons before decisions are made. Yes we pay the tuition but they are the ones who have to attend classes daily. We allow them to voice their opinions but at the end of the day we have to do what we think is best for them. We involve them in decision making because we don’t want to come across as dictators, we don’t want them to become dictators”.

Dr: “Wow, that’s my kind of parenting. I get concerned when parents ignore, disregard or dismiss what their kids have to say. So much could be avoided and prevented if we took the time to listen to our kids. To allow them to just be and not to force anything on them. For example, I feel uncomfortable whenever parents tell their kids to say ‘Thank You Dr’ and especially when they force them to hug me as a way of showing gratitude. We should respect a child’s space, boundaries and feelings.”

Me: “Sad indeed, then we wonder how dictators are made”.

My Humble Opinion: No two kids can be the same, we know that our boys have different personalities. Nathan preferred a particular high school because it was fairly small compared to the others. He is the quiet type and has very few close friends. Noah on the other hand will fit in perfectly in a big school, he is a socialite and you can’t keep up with his list of friends. The assumption is that parents have the experience, knowledge and the wisdom to make decisions but it is important to acknowledge and consider our kids needs, preferences and opinions. Social media is bombarded with conversations around consent. We teach our kids not to speak to strangers and for them to say NO! and to report when someone touches them inappropriately. “Tell us whenever someone makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t be shy or feel ashamed to tell us if someone says something untoward. Just know that you can speak to mommy and daddy about anything and everything. We will always make time whenever you need a sit down, we are ready to listen whenever you need to talk about anything that bothers or concerns you.” A child will open up to you if you create that safe space for them to self-express. “I am the parent and you are just a child therefore, DO AS I SAY, my decision is final!” ……dictatorship much………………

“I grew up under a dictatorship. I knew what it meant for people to not have the ability to freely express themselves”.

Ilhan Omar

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