Category: Taboo

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What’s Your Emotional Outlet?

I saw my little sister’s Tweet this morning. It expressed how she was brought to tears by something that she had experienced and how she had reached out to our mother for solace. I can only assume Twitter was her other outlet, a cry for help. A few hours later we had a telephonic conversation and it ended with good laughs, I made sure not to end our convo without the reassurance she would be okay.

I started to wonder: Do men call their mothers or fathers and cry whenever they feel overwhelmed? I feel for my mother because I’ve lost count of the number of times I phoned her to cry non-stop, to a point my entire body started shaking. I would regret it afterwards, feeling guilty for burdening her.

You often hear: “A man should keep his shit together”. What happens when shit hits the fan? What happens when he gets overwhelmed? These questions need to be asked, now more than ever. Covid-19 has led to so much uncertainty and we’ve seen and experienced the impact of losing loved ones, friends and colleagues. Moreover, the job losses and reduced salaries. Now imagine men, who are under pressure to provide for their families. How do they handle those days when they don’t feel like adulting. Who do they reach out to when they feel inadequate and incapable? Are they comfortable and entrusting enough to pick up the call and say: “Dad, I don’t know what to do, this is too much”. Are they able to pick up the phone and just cry before explaining or even without explaining the reason for their sadness or agony? Can they do so without hesitation and apprehension?

Now I ask, have you ever heard your brother or male partner phone his father to off-load and maybe even cry? If so, how did you react to it? Has your brother or male partner ever come up to you to off-load and cry? If so, how did you react to that? What did you say?… What was your reaction when your son fell off his bike and hurt himself? Remember this, words ingrained will forever be deeply imbedded…

Would we experience escalating abuse cases if men were encouraged to talk and to freely express how they felt? I’m obviously referring to emotional expression, not the physical kind, this has to be reserved for the punching bag at the boxing club or gym. Would we experience such disturbing and alarming statistics of GBV if men were afforded the various outlets that provide the much-needed support? Imagine a man who quickly grabs his phone and reaches out to his father instead of grabbing a gun.

My Humble Opinion: phrases such as “Boys don’t cry”, “You cry like a girl”, and “Don’t be a sissy” are the reason we have angry and detached men. Imagine a world that operated on a two-way street, whereby boys and men are encouraged to reach out, off-load and just be. Encouraged to do so without fear of judgement or fear of being ridiculed.

“Real men don’t cry, that’s how sadists are born” –  Ila Dhond

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Spiritual Revolution

If you believe in prophecies and predictions by the likes of Nostradamus, Credo Mutwa, etc. If you believe in astrology. If you’ve ever consulted a sangoma, traditional healer/diviner, prophet, seer, psychic/medium, clairvoyant, etc. If you’ve ever listened with great veneration to radio shows featuring Shannon Walbran, Taz Singh, etc. If you’ve been glued to the television screen watching shows such as Dloz’lami, Umoya, Ubizo then you are more inclined towards spirituality.

We also have people who don’t believe in spirituality and that is okay. What’s not okay is when they make a mockery of it. I’ve seen a lot of social media posts whereby people question why there’s “suddenly an influx of ‘gifted’ people”. “Everyone is becoming a sangoma nowadays”… “Ukuthwasa (the process of initiation) is becoming trendy and fashionable”…, they utter. Then a close friend sent me a video of Phumelele Mbanda aka ‘gogo Cindi’ (a traditional healer) enlightening the viewer on that topic. “My beloveds, there’s a spiritual revolution happening. Our ancestors are taking us back to the way things used to be. The way they used to exist and thrive. And that is simple, every single household had somebody or somebodies who were spiritually inclined. The ancestors are taking us back to the beautiful divine way. It is a spiritual revolution and that is why young and old are accepting the calling”, she said.

What many fail to realize is that accepting and embracing your calling doesn’t mean becoming a sangoma or traditional healer per se. Others don’t even have to go through ukuthwasa. They just need a mentor (for a lack of a better English word) to guide and support them. Much like a personal trainer to help you to reach those body goals, or a life coach to help you realize your full potential. And yes, we all need mentors for all areas of our lives and they don’t have to possess academic qualifications or fancy titles. If you are religiously inclined then consider your priest/pastor as your mentor.

Others accept, embrace and nurture their innate gifts in order to align with their ancestors, others to heal themselves and to become blessings unto others. These types of people seem to have an ability to heal by simply uttering positive words, think of someone who sends you a message which reads: “I am sending you positive energies”. Others pray for you, revelations are made and miracles happen. And no, not every gifted person will have beads around their wrists, ankles and neck. Some don’t walk around with cloths wrapped around their waists or shoulders. However, you will notice their presence when they walk into a room or when you walk past them. We refer to this as isthunzi. Think about that woman with an air of Grace, or that man who commands respect without saying a word.

My Humble Opinion: We are all gifted, albeit on different levels. A perfect example would be athletes, they have varying abilities and capabilities, some are genetically built like machines, to break records. Some are set above the rest simply because of their training methods and schedules. Similarly, the difference between myself and the other gifted person would be time and effort invested in nurturing and pursuing my calling. Many don’t know they are gifted because their enlightenment and curiosity was either rubbished, ridiculed, suppressed or blocked. Others don’t know they are gifted because they are scared what they will uncover, they think the discovery will be Pandora’s Box. Others are simply not interested. If you value and trust your gut and instinct then chances are you’d be more open to exploring your gift, given the right guidance and support of course.

“You have to grow from the inside out. None can teach you, none can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul” – Swami Vivekananda