People who suffer from depression and those with suicidal thoughts are actually perfectionists and they want to have control over ALL areas of their lives, some would say, ‘control freaks’. Some were abused as kids, at an age where they couldn’t defend themselves, where the perpetrator overpowered them, where the perpetrator showed them who was really in control. They will forever be haunted by these thoughts. No matter how physically or mentally strong they end up as adults. Something happens to trigger such moments and it becomes an uphill battle, an emotional rollercoaster. Chester Bennington experienced sexual abuse from the age of seven. His songs became anthems for young people struggling with emotional issues. The song Crawling “was about feeling like I had no control over myself in terms of drugs and alcohol.” he said in an interview. Many of his fans struggle to understand why he took his own life because: “he had a great wife, beautiful kids and a great career, everything good going for him”. Yet many of his songs reveal someone who was haunted by his childhood events.

You often hear people say: “she was doing so well, she was melodic and soulful, she was one of the best house vocalists. Think Nichume Siwundla. Most people didn’t realise she was fighting battles that made her talent seem insignificant. One of her Instagram posts says it all. The body-shamers that reminded her daily on social media of her weight gain. Moreover, it is alleged she had financial disputes with her recording label. Any of these could have consumed her mind around the clock, feeling hopeless and eventually she decided she couldn’t take it anymore. Taking her own life was her way of saying: “make it stop!”

Tim Bergling, AKA Avicii took his own life last year. His family released a statement saying: “Our beloved Tim was a seeker, a fragile artistic soul searching for answers to existential questions. An over-achieving perfectionist who travelled and worked hard at a pace that led to extreme stress. When he stopped touring, he wanted to find a balance in life to be happy and be able to do what he loved most, music. He really struggled with thoughts about Meaning, Life and Happiness. He could not go on any longer. He wanted to find peace.”

Perfectionists want EVERY area of their lives to be smooth sailing but we all know that is not possible. Even the calmest of seas and oceans experience the most brutal of weather patterns at some point. Sadly though, nothing can stop someone from attempting to take their own lives. Medical intervention does not work on everybody, we all have different genetic make-up after all. Even worse if it is hereditary. Your life could be on track, all aspects in harmony. Until something considered minute by some triggers those negative thoughts. Where you don’t see a way out, where you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. An independent person who loses their job, such a person cannot fathom asking for financial assistance, some would say ego and pride getting in the way. Someone being diagnosed with a terminal disease, not wanting to burden loved ones, not wanting to accumulate exorbitant medical bills.

Upon hearing of your passing they will say: “we didn’t see it coming”. Hilarious, only not funny. There are always warning signs and many times there is a build-up of some sort. Those who really care, those closest to you will know that you were not ok. And those who paid attention would confess (if prodded), that they “saw this coming” and “didn’t know how else to reach out or lend a helping hand”. There are reasons why you “didn’t see it coming” or why you didn’t know someone was going through a dark phase:

1. They don’t tell you because they fear being judged and ridiculed.
2. They don’t want to burden you. For example, a suicidal person won’t tell you about their situation if they know you are also going through stuff. They won’t tell their sickly parent of their intention to kill themselves. Unless this person is a narcissist.
3. You weren’t as close to them as you thought…sad but true.
4. You were the perpetrator, the instigator, the shit-stirrer…

So, if you “didn’t see it coming”, ask yourself which of these categories you belong to.

My Humble Opinion: when a friend tells you they are not okay, take them seriously. Make a plan to visit them if you are in a position to do. Be prepared to just sit there and listen while they vent or sob…some would call this… ‘feeling sorry for yourself…..seeking attention’. Don’t give unsolicited advice, best to keep quiet if you don’t know what to say. Sometimes a person just wants a hug, even if it’s their last one. Believe you me, you will be happy with yourself (over time) once you find out you were probably the last person to express love and appreciation. Especially to a person that didn’t see much value in living. A person that was so convinced their life had reached the end of the road. Convince them to leave their hideout and take them out for that drink, it might just be their last. It will be hard to accept that they took their own life but this last memory will comfort you somehow. The deceased will die knowing that someone valued them enough to spend their time with them. And as for you, you might even gain a guardian angel (as I anticipate the holier-than-thou prepare a lecture on suicide and troubled souls and hell…blah blah blah). Heaven knows we need them now more than ever. And when you are in the presence of someone going through a dark phase, don’t say things like: “Many people would kill to have your life….You have a lot to be thankful and grateful for……Think of your kids”. Making them feel guilty will only exacerbate matters. Believe you me, suicidal thoughts don’t just occur out of the blue. It is well-thought out and well-planned out. This person would have played out all different scenarios in their heads. And at this stage they are convinced the end is nigh and inevitable. They succumb, all hope is gone. They would’ve cried out for help, to no avail. If you are the reason for someone’s pain and suffering, if you are one of those people who throw negativity in the direction of others, remember this, karma has your address.

#TillItComesKnockingAtYourDoor #TillItHappensToYou