Marriage Is Not An Achievement

“All of my children are married, now I can rest…My son, you are married now, you are a man amongst men…My daughter is married now, the community will no longer call her derogatory names”. We’ve all heard such speeches at weddings. A sad reality of societal pressures and unrealistic expectations from parents and guardians. I use the word pressures and unrealistic because fact is, not everyone views or considers marriage as a yardstick for success. Some, if not most people don’t deem matrimony as the be all and end all. Not everyone is interested in marriage and there is nothing strange, bizarre, peculiar or abnormal about that. The same applies to those who decide not to have children, this topic deserves its own blog. The pressures I speak of result in forced or rushed marriages, this leads to resentment and abuse because stress and frustration can push one to the edge. The high divorce rate is testament to this, the shocking and alarming gender-based statistics are testament to this.

Some parents even overlook your achievements. You can be a focused, driven and hard-working individual but until you get married and have children you aren’t complete. Notice I said children and not child, because apparently allegedly having more than one child proves you and your man (in particular) are fertile and it proves he is financially stable (patriarchal world). The more kids you have the more money you have, supposedly. This is obviously a license to procreate because money is the only thing a child needs (if sarcasm had an emoticon).

You fall pregnant as an unmarried woman and your child is considered illegitimate, you have failed and disappointed your parents, you have brought shame onto your family. This has to change. The most important thing should be your level of readiness as parents: emotionally/psychologically, physically and financially. Rings/tattoos and a marriage certificate are no guarantee of a well-rounded upbringing. All a child needs is food, clothing, unconditional love, protection/security, stability and a roof over their head.

You impregnate a woman and you are told to make a decent woman of her, thus insinuating that she will be deemed indecent and unworthy until marriage. This also overlooks and disregards the millions of loving and stable relationships that thrive in the absence of holy matrimony. I bet we know of lifelong couples, partners and soulmates who co-habit in bliss and harmony till death do them apart. The kind of relationships that are considered #CoupleGoals

My Humble Opinion: achievement is defined as: something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort and great courage. Therefore, it is safe to say that completing your studies is an achievement, securing that dream job is an achievement, starting a business is an achievement, purchasing a house is an achievement, performing a successful and life-saving surgery/operation is an achievement, convicting a paedophile is an achievement and succeeding in life, against all odds is an achievement.

Marriage should not and cannot be a yardstick for success. I really hope the narrative changes to: “My son/daughter is now a graduate, he/she will find a job, earn a decent salary and be independent…my heart is full of joy. My son/daughter is living an impactful and purposeful life… he/she is happy, healthy and successful, I am so proud and content”.